On Carrying Burdens

Have you ever gotten stuck listening to someone complain about something?

Most likely, you are more of acquaintances than best friends, and after listening for a few minutes you realize you don’t care in the least what they’re talking about. As they continue to whine, thoughts start in your head of all the other, better things you could be doing right now. And eventually you’re considering how long you have to stand there nodding at them before it’s socially acceptable to excuse yourself.

I can say, I have been there. I think we probably all can think of a time when that happened. Here’s the deal though: when that’s our mindset, we’re going about it totally wrong. Yes, we have all been stuck listening to someone’s bad day, but I am convinced we have all been on the other side of it, too. We have all been the one having a tough day, just looking for someone to talk to about it. Put yourself in that person’s shoes. How much difference does it make if someone is there to listen? The difference can be enormous.

Telling others about the things that weigh us down somehow helps ease that weight; two people carrying a heavy load instead of one means half as much work for each. But for that to happen someone has to be willing to hear you.

As the person listening, it isn’t always easy. Sometimes the timing seems inconvenient, because you were in the middle of something else or you had other plans. Sometimes it means feeling uncomfortable, because there isn’t an easy answer to the problem. Sometimes you feel awkward simply because you may not feel you know the person very well. But I believe one thing we are supposed to do is carry each other’s burdens. Sometimes it’s small things, sometimes larger ones, but that person might need you. Do you want a straightforward way of loving the people around you? Make yourself available to listen to them with compassion and kindness.

I have many wonderful friends. They laugh with me, watch movies with me. They spend hours on the phone with me. They remember my birthday. They lend me books. They teach me how to make jewelry and proper make-up technique. They give me their honest opinion.

They pray with me, and even for me sometimes when I lack the words.

And they listen to me.

They carry my burdens.

Friends, (& family), you bless me. Thankfulness for you has been on my mind. Your presence in my life is not an accident and I am so glad to say I know you. Your willingness to take some of the weight off of me when I need it does not go unnoticed, and I hope I do the same for you.

I want to keep getting better at helping others carry their burdens, and having a soft heart when someone needs to talk to me. Sharing only the fun, easy, joyful parts of others’ lives doesn’t often foster deep relationships. It might seem difficult or messy to get involved in someone’s drama, disappointment, or heartache. However, it is also a blessing and a privilege to share others’ pain, because willing vulnerability conveys and builds trust.  As you help them heal, you may also find yourself growing.

Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

– Galations 6:2

We Are the Church

So, my busy summer has been very apparent in how much I’ve been posting – that is to say, not much lately. I had these dreams of writing once a week for every week until I burned out, then leaving this long, thankful goodbye. Instead, I keep hoping to write, then not making it a priority, and then a month goes by and I haven’t written. (ahem…like now.) With all that aside, I do still enjoy writing, and I hope to continue to do so, at least for the foreseeable future. However, perhaps I should be a little more realistic with myself about how often that will happen. Here’s hoping I can figure out that balance.

 

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Many of my Christianity-related posts are aimed at the larger community. Meaning, not to just Christians, but also those less familiar with the religion in the hopes of building bridges. But today’s post is mostly directed towards Christians, especially those who have been for a long time.

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My family decided some months ago, going on a couple years now, that it was time to leave our church. It was a very difficult decision, since my family had been attending since before I was born and we have many dear friends who attend. So that being said, the change seemed necessary and we began “the church search”. Our area has many churches to choose from, so I guess somewhere inside us we assumed it wouldn’t be too difficult to find another. We narrowed the playing field to Lutheran churches, some specific denominations being preferred over others. And then it began.

We’d go online, Google churches in our area. Read a little about them, their mission, their pastors. There were other factors involved in our search criteria as well. Not too small, to show people were interested, but not so big you feel lost. Preferably close. Then you get to the church and you find out how the pews (or chairs) are laid out. What type of music is played. How long the sermon is, and what is preached about. Whether those who attend are a healthy mixture of ages. And these are very important factors (well, some more than others.)

 

Taken in Spain

 

But I want to address with my brothers and sisters the last element that has been a factor in just about every church we’ve visited. And at this point we’ve visited quite a few.

Hospitality.

(It feels almost ironic to use this word, considering it was the focus of the sermon at the church we attended today.) There is still no one church we agree on as a new church home, and for me one of the biggest factors is how welcomed we felt at every place we visit.

Now, really, I don’t even feel this should need to be an issue. Christians, as a whole, should have this “love thing” down, right? I mean, we are told by Jesus that the most important things are to first love God, then love others. (Find it here.) So anyone coming to a church should feel loved right away. Ideally speaking. As we are looking for a church, we should have our first focus on the preacher, and on if the Bible is being accurately interpreted, and if praising God is a priority. And yet I feel there are churches we have passed up, simply because we did not feel welcomed while there.

A common scenario for us involves entering a couple minutes before the service. Sitting and standing as is called for. Shaking some hands during the “greeting time”, then waiting quietly as regulars chat for the next five minutes till the pastor tells them to be seated, or starts the next song. Follow through the rest of the service. Then leave in silence, hearing the friendly chatter all around us as we walk out the door.

What is wrong with this picture?

Now I realize some of the burden is on us. To a certain extent, it’s much easier if you are outgoing. But let’s say we aren’t. Should church visits only be a positive experience for the outgoing people? What about the rest?

Then, let’s talk about the Great Commission. That is, Jesus telling his followers to go and spread His word to all the world. Most Christians take this as a call to share their faith with others. As we visit churches, these people don’t know who we are. They don’t know that we’re already Christians, and at that, ones who are fairly used to churches in the Midwest. Is anyone sharing with us? Not really. Is anyone inviting us to dinner, asking us how we are, what we are looking for? It’s happened a few times. But do we really feel welcomed? Personally, I’d say no. But if I weren’t already a Christian, it would be downright uncomfortable. And honestly, I probably wouldn’t come back. It can’t get any easier to get to know someone than when they are ALREADY IN YOUR CHURCH – they are (sometimes literally) right in front of you! And yet, Christians can be so shy to reach out, and I wonder if that’s how it’s supposed to be.

Now, I would like to say that not every single church we visited was the way I have described. It’s more of an overall impression. On the other hand, those people who have maintained real conversations with us on some of our visits made all the difference. Now, we may still decide not to go to that church for other reasons, it does happen. But even one single person talking to us has changed the entire way we view a new church. Do you think your actions don’t make a difference? I can tell you they do. And those people who reach out to a new person in church, they are the hands and feet of the God we serve.

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I am by nature a shy person. I always have been. As a small child, I avoided certain relatives that were more of the boisterous types, because I found interactions with them uncomfortable.  (I’ve since learned that most people are generally not as intimidating as they seem.) As I grow into adulthood, I am aware of this about myself. But as we continue to look for a church to call home, I wonder if my experiences as a stranger will change how I interact with strangers once I do find a place. Will I be the one to greet people? To ask them why they came, what there interests are, if they want prayer for anything? I hope so. I think that is how church is supposed to be. All churches.

I can’t say whether this problem is a Midwestern thing, a Lutheran thing, an American thing, or even something else. But we’ve got to get on this. Otherwise, we’re just losing opportunities at relationship building. And that’s where love starts – and where God is at work.

The Benefits of Long-Distance

I am happy to announce today as my one-year anniversary with my boyfriend. I wanted something in my blog to celebrate that, so here are a few things we’ve learned in that time.

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When I tell people I am in a long-distance relationship, the typical reaction is some combination of an “oh, I’m sorry” and that sympathetic tilt of the head. And they’re sort of right. Most people can pretty easily understand why dating someone who doesn’t live within a half hour of you would be difficult. Because if you’re dating someone, you want to spend time with them, (hopefully), and living away from each other makes that harder to accomplish. It’s easier to miss not only important or exciting things, but also just the in’s and out’s of everyday living. The normal things. But I am here to tell you, it might be an uphill battle but it’s actually not entirely bad. In fact, there can be really good things that come out of it too.

Taken in Spain

So, here are some opportunities E, (my boyfriend, as I will affectionately refer to him here as), and I have found that have been good about being apart while still being together.

1. Chance for self improvement

Having additional time for yourself that would otherwise be spent with a significant other means you get a chance to pursue extra things. This might mean working more, being in clubs or bands, studying more at school, extra time with God, or picking up a new skill. For me sometimes it’s as simple as additional time for personal reflection. Working on yourself as a person benefits you, but it also means you’ll have more to bring to the relationship. Really, it’s a win-win.

2. Time to develop other relationships

This is similar to the first item. Not only do you have more time for yourself, but you have more time to see other friends, family, or co-workers. Maybe this means you make friends you wouldn’t otherwise have, or you get more nights in with a room mate, or you have a few extra minutes to call your grandma. Choose as you will. But that time can still be used to see people, which will help you balance your needs.

**Some people also have the tendency to ignore old friends as soon as they find a new love interest. I have been guilty of this a couple times in the past – thank you to my friends who stuck with me. Anyways, this is probably less likely to happen if your boyfriend/girlfriend isn’t constantly able to spend time with you. Hopefully as you go, you will be able to better judge how much time to spend with whom. But don’t forget your friends.

3. Makes you appreciate the time you have

This one might be the hardest to understand, because it’s easy to mope, wishing you had more time together. E and I met in college, so we saw each other frequently in the beginning. And in retrospect, we completely took that time for granted. Now that we are dating apart, we are kicking ourselves for not valuing how easy it was to see each other. But because we work and wait for it, we savor every minute now. It truly makes the time you have together seem like a gift.

4. Encourages intentionality and planning

Jumping into a relationship with no plans or boundaries can mean “things just sort of happen” that you may not want. But in our case, being long-distance has forced us to be very intentional when deciding what to do with the time we have together. We want to make the most of it, with no regrets. Sometimes its running a couple errands, often it’s going out to eat, there might be walking in parks with accompanying hand-holding, and there are often talks about how our lives and faith are going. This can be hard because it puts more pressure on, as if the day not going perfectly will ruin everything. But in the end, I think we get more out of it. It keeps us on our toes about how we’re doing and where we’re headed.

Having a relationship from a distance is difficult, sometimes in ways you can’t anticipate. (Although me being on a different continent for half of the last year certainly did not make it any easier.) I wouldn’t recommend it for the faint of heart, as it is more work than a conventional relationship. But as E reminded me just yesterday, making it work despite the distance is meaningful, because it’s an obstacle you overcome together. Being apart is challenging, but it can make you stronger if you take the right attitude.

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So, as I look at my posts, turns out it’s been kind of a while since I’ve put up anything new…sorry about that. Used car shopping sort of took over my free time for a while. On a positive note, I now have a car I’m very pleased with. Next step will be job searching, which is something else entirely. Anyways, thanks for your patience, and thanks for reading along! If you’d like to see a different topic in a post, just let me know in the comments.

Reaction: On Loving Yourself

Here is an article I found a bit ago, over at the Lipstick Gospel. She writes reflecting on how we think about our own bodies, and how we need to give ourselves a bit more grace regarding our imperfections.

Article: “Get To The Gym…This is Not Okay”.

And really, I don’t think this is a groundbreaking subject. Why? Because insecurity is nothing new. Make-up, sessions at the gym, and self-help books are common now, all of them promising to bring us more happiness. How many times have you heard a friend say they wish they could lose a few pounds? I have girl friends* who want bigger chests, want smaller chests, want to gain or lose weight, want to be taller, want to be shorter, insist they “need” to get their eyebrows waxed, refuse to leave the house without make-up on…the complaints vary, but they’re there.

Then there are other things.

“If I just make more money, I wouldn’t be so stressed.”

“If I could just get a boyfriend, I wouldn’t be so lonely.”

“All I need is that cute pair of shoes/pants/etc to complete my look.”

The list could go on. No one seems to really be happy the way things are now. And a lot of it is self-criticism, often of our own bodies.

‘Instead of standing in solidarity with the body, mind, soul, and life we live inside, we face off against it, treating ourselves as the enemy—as the one standing in the way of our happiness.’ – The Lipstick Gospel

I used to be that way too. My teeth weren’t straight. I had glasses. My butt was too big. My stomach wasn’t flat. I missed that stupid grammar mistake in that essay. A relationship ended, again. Still couldn’t find that pair of shoes that fit. And sure, this is one way to see it. But there are other ways.

What people don’t realize is everything we need for happiness is already in us.

Taken in the United States

And here again, she has the right idea.

‘I’m learning slowly to be kind—to treat myself like I’d treat a best friend, with love and respect and the benefit of the doubt.’ – The Lipstick Gospel

I am a lot kinder to my body now. I have a “pear shape” – which means not every cut of every dress will make me look my best, and that is alright. I don’t wear much make-up – and I like that, because not having it doesn’t paralyze me, and I am sure it has saved me a lot of money. I try to remind myself that doing something less than perfectly won’t be the end of the world.

And really, I am not that different than I was before. But man, I am a lot more content in who I am than I used to be. What made the difference? Only my attitude. My attitude and my thoughts. If I wouldn’t get mad at a friend for gaining 5 pounds, why get mad at myself for it? If I wouldn’t get mad at a friend for getting a B on a test, why get mad at myself for it? Taking responsibility for your actions is one thing, but beating yourself up over the small stuff is something else entirely. And I can tell you, the latter won’t get you any closer to happiness.

Start by accepting yourself, right now. At your current weight, height, body type, grade-point-average, age, salary, shoe size, hair color… Some things you may be able to change, others perhaps not. But regardless of whether you desire to change, remind yourself to love yourself whether or not that happens. Because you are all you get.  And it’s a waste of time and energy to spend life hating yourself.

Another part of what helped me was forcing myself to think of where I get my identity from. As in, in my very core, how do I label myself? Redhead? Brainiac? Band geek? Short? Scandinavian-American? Retail clerk? Student? The things you can chose to define you are endless. But most of the time they aren’t as stable as we think, or they just leave us wishing there were something more. My faith is what ends up grounding me at the end of the day. To chose to first label myself as “adopted daughter of God”, beloved, beautifully made, forgiven, and chosen for a bigger purpose, helps me put my insecurities in their place. The tough thing is to actively remember to chose this every day, but it is many times easier for me to love myself and others when I do.

So think today about how you’re treating yourself. And then make a goal to treat yourself well. You’re worth it.

*I am sure guys have their own insecurities. They just don’t complain to me about them. But let the record show this isn’t a gender issue, it’s just part of being human.

La Semana Santa

Holy Week (Easter Week)

Spain is a country with a long history of Catholicism, which continues today. If you are a Christian in Spain it is assumed you are also a Catholic, and much of the country is indeed Catholic. (The question is whether you are a practicing Catholic.) There are a few other religions, because Spain does have full freedom of religion. However, to ignore the celebration of a Christian holiday would be leaving out a lot of things that went on that week.

Domingo de Ramos = Palm Sunday

We went to church, as usual. What made that day different was the olive branches that were handed out before the service began. The priest came out with holy water, and everyone held up their branch as he sprinkled it onto the congregation. Traditionally, palm branches are used here similar to what I was used to in the Midwest, but smaller churches here may also use olive branches. Olive trees are very common, which is one reason, but then olive trees also grow in Jerusalem, and so perhaps they were also used as Jesus entered Jerusalem shortly before his death.

Jueves Santo = Maundy Thursday

I went to an evening mass with my oldest cousin. The service centered around the last supper Jesus had with his disciples. The main focus of the priest’s sermon was that Jesus washed his friends’ feet, a job normally reserved for slaves or the lowest servants. If He, as the leader of the Christian church, served others, it showed us that we also need to serve the people around us. During the service, the priest took off his outer robe and washed the feet of children preparing for first communion, something I’ve never seen. My aunt heard that on this day, the new pope went and washed the feet of twelve prisoners, which I thought was pretty cool.

Viernes Santo = Good Friday

I went with my aunt and two cousins to a noon service at a small church nearby. They used scripture and explanations to move through the last days of Jesus’ life as if moving from one “station” or step to another, ending with the tomb being empty on Easter. This was more uplifting than I expected, since when I have gone to Thursday and Friday services in the US, they focus only on Jesus’ suffering and death. Traditionally, this is the day when the church focuses on Jesus’ crucifixion, which was the same here as what I am familiar with back home. Jesus’ willingness to suffer shows the depth of His love for the world.

[There are sometimes processions on Thursday and Friday of Holy Week, in certain towns – especially Seville. Generally, statues of Jesus and-or the virgin Mary are carried by select groups, often ending at a church for mass. However, I did not go to any of these processions.]

Sábado de Gloria = “Saturday of Glory”

La Pascua, Domingo de Resurección = Easter, “Sunday of Resurrection”

First, I went to a procession with a couple family members in a neighboring town. They call this procession “el encuentro”, which means “the meeting/encounter”. It happens in towns all over Spain; we chose this one because a family friend was participating. First, a statue of the risen Jesus was carried in by four men, with lilies around the base. Traditionally mostly men accompany the statue of Jesus.

[You may notice that the costumes they wear resemble a certain racist group in the United States – there is absolutely no association. The pointed hats they wear symbolize the points on the crown of thorns Jesus wore, and and are taken off part-way through to symbolize Him rising from the dead. The colors are different for every particular group of people taking part.]

Another group carried in the virgin Mary, which also had lilies around the base. She was covered by a black veil, and stopped three times to bow to Jesus. Mostly women accompany Mary.

As she finally gets to Jesus, the black veil is taken off, to symbolize her knowledge of him being risen from the dead. After that, a band played, and those accompanying the figures gave out hard candies by the handful. And because this is Spain, fireworks were let off. I have NEVER heard of anyone in the US using fireworks to celebrate Easter, but I did enjoy it.

Later the whole family went together to a noon service to celebrate Easter. Similar to churches in the United States, there were multiple flower arrangements at the front of the church, as well as candles. The priest wore a full-flowered robe, and at one point sprinkled the congregation with holy water. Easter Sunday is about Jesus rising from the dead; having done nothing wrong His whole life, He didn’t deserve to die, and so came back from the dead on the third day after being put in a tomb.

For Christians, this is arguably the most important celebration of the year. Jesus tells us that if we admit to having messed up (sinned), and agree to follow Him (listen to His instructions and live for Him instead of ourselves), we can also beat death (He’ll vouch for us to God). Because our hope is in something (Someone) eternal and all-powerful, this enables us to live without fear, and have hope that can’t be taken away from us. The first Easter was the day simply accepting Jesus became enough to be saved.

I was raised as a Lutheran Christian, although I have enjoyed services at a variety of Protestant churches. I’ve heard quite a few criticisms of the Catholic church, some of them more deserved than others. But really, I don’t think Protestants and Catholics are as different as we sometimes feel. Most of what I did and saw this week was very familiar, even in a different country and language. We are so ready to be right, criticize, and fight for our opinion, that we forget we’re all adopted into God’s family. None of us are perfect, and if we could forgive each other’s mistakes a little more easily, we would be able to love each other more – which is what Jesus told us to do.

Happy Easter, and Feliz día de Pascua everyone!

Taken in Spain

 But when they looked up, they saw that the stone, which was very large, had been rolled away. As they entered the tomb, they saw a young man dressed in a white robe sitting on the right side, and they were alarmed.“Don’t be alarmed,” he said. “You are looking for Jesus the Nazarene, who was crucified. He has risen! He is not here. See the place where they laid him.” – Mark 16:4-6 (NIV)

****UPDATE: I need to add something I forgot! Another traditional part of Easter in Spain is kids eating the mona. Mona is a sweet bread made into a fun shape, usually with sprinkles on top. It also has an egg on it, either hard boiled or chocolate. When eating a hard boiled egg, kids crack them open on each other’s foreheads. I got to try it, and I liked the bread part, although I’m not a huge fan of boiled eggs.